i need to get myself clean, be able to look back on at least a week without cringing, see my surroundings clearly. why do i prefer the blurry version of everything? as if my hearing is faltering along with my eyesight. it's like i'm on the wrong setting, stuck in a story with an upsetting ending. i need to admit defeat already, i'm not kidding. i'm not just singing. if every evening i could beat a little bit of it out of me i would wind up alright, but i don't see that happening. i get jittery, i get shaky. i can feel my stomach sinking. it gets harder to breath. slow and spacey, stuck zoning out uncontrollably. caught dwelling on how bad i can be, if only i could zoom out an perceive the component parts that add up to less than their sum, i could finally see the scumbag in me. i don't want to replicate the scenes around me. there is nothing i want to copy. i don't want to manipulate you with my misery. i don't want to interact with anything. punch me if i complain. send my angst to an early grave. draw my ego out of me and force me to see everybody i'm damaging.